Harry Potter and the Curse of the Gangster
by Corgidog88
Summary: Harry potter learns that his parents were gangsters and copes with life at Hogwarts. But little does he know there is a gangster looking for him...
1. The Gang Colors

Harry Potter and The Curse Of the Gangster  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters!  
  
Strange things never happen at the Dursleys' house, so they were the last people you would suspect of anything. But the Dursleys knew something that many didn't: Mrs. Dursley's sister was a notorious gangster. But even the Dursleys overlooked that fact; they cared more that she was a witch. One day Mr. Dursley was heading for work. He noticed that most of the people on the streets were wearing the same colors: the horrible and disgusting -and yet Ford Middle School colors- green and gold. As soon as Mr. Dursley got out of his car, a young man ran over to him and started screaming offensive words. Then the man relaxed and said, "I see you are one of us." Mr. Dursley looked down at himself. He had not realized that he was wearing his most putrid green suit and awful gold tie.  
  
"Do not be afraid," the man said, "for the horrible gangsters Voldemort and Lily Potter are dead! The Potters' young son Harry is still alive, though, and we fear he will be a gangster, too, for he has a London's gang scar on his forhead. But I'm sure that even if he is a gangster, he will be a very nice person." Mr. Dursley had wondered all his life how dumb people could get, but this certainly topped everything. He desperatly tried to get away from these strangers, but, as seen in the Harry Potter movies, he was so extremely large that he could not get very far. Just then an older man seemed to appear out of nowhere. Mr. Dursley stared at his shabby appearance, for he looked like a bum Mr. Dursley had once nearly run over on the side of the road. "What, ya never saw a gangster before?" the man asked gruffly. Mr. Dursley had not realized that he had been staring at the man, but since he was a horrible person he did not apologize. The man did not apologize for his creepy and unorthodox looks either. The older man stepped up to the young man and slapped him on the back so hard that the other man nearly threw up all over the sidewalk. "Nancy, what are ya doin' talking to a muggle?" the older man demanded. "Your name is Nancy?" Mr. Dursley asked, disgusted with everyone that was not like him. "No," the other man mumbled. "Sure it isn't," the old man replied as "Nancy" walked away. The old man turned to look at Mr. Dursley. "G' bye, fatso," the man said, and with a puff of smoke he vanished. There was something about this man that made Mr. Dursley very scared. Perhaps it was just the diarreha he'd had this morning, but he had a bad feeling about this.  
  
Hello people! R&R please(this is my first fic so be nice!) 


	2. Dumbdork Fools Around

Harry Potter and the Curse Of The Gangster  
  
Disclaimer: Me? Own Harry Potter? Yeah, right.  
  
When Mr. Dursley finally arrived at work, he found a long line of customers waiting for him. He sold guns, so this was quite surprising. A little bit later, he found out that 99% of these people were either here to complain or gangsters.  
The first customer that approached Mr. Dursley looked like he was from a ghetto. "Ghetto rap, yo, yo!" said Mr. Dursley under his breath.  
The man did not seem to hear him. "Do I need to repeat everything I say for your three chins, or can I just say it once?" the customer asked. On second thought, maybe he had heard Mr. Dursley. Mr. Dursley sighed. He was extremely used to comments like these (I wonder why!).  
"What do you want?" Mr. Dursley asked. "Do you have any .22 snubbies?" the man asked. "Sure," Mr. Dursley replied. "They're very in demand."  
  
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At roughly the same time, a man named Alpus Dumbdork was arriving on Pruning Drive, the street the Dursleys lived on. He was very tall and had extremely long, grubby hair. His long beard was close to the ground. Not only was his hair odd. His clothes were like nothing anyone had seen before. On his head he wore a blue and silver dew rag. His robes were blue and silver too, and his eyes were hidden behind rather see- through blue sunglasses.  
Dumbdork sat down on a wall that was conveniently located in an alleyway near the Dursleys' home. He waited for a moment and then shouted, "Where the fu are you?" At that moment, a large rat scuttled under his feet. "Ah, there you are Professor Monocle," he said, and the rat was no longer a rat (although the human's real appearance was not that much different from a rat). A tall woman stood in its place. She had long, graying hair that was woven into a bun at the back of her neck. She was wearing a monocle over her left eye and, however much it may look strange, she too was wearing a dew rag. Professor Monocle was also wearing blue and silver robes.  
"Don't call me Professor. It sounds so stuffy," Monocle said. "All right... professor."  
"I am going to kill you!" she was in a rage.  
"No, Minnierva, I don't need another scar!"Dumbdork cried out.  
  
Mr. Dursley was about to pack up for the day when the same man (.22 snubbie man) entered the gun shop. "Wow, it usually takes most customers a full 24 hours before they demand their money back," Mr. Dursley commented. The man walked up to Mr. Dursley and started screaming words even Mr. Dursley had never heard before. "I was in the bar and I tried to shoot a dude, and it didn't do nothin'!" he yelled, placing the gun in Mr. Dursley's hand. "I fuing want a refund!" "But..." Mr. Dursley's words were cut off. The man had just thrown a cake of mud at him. At least he thought it was mud. Mr. Dursley decided to give the gun to Dudley, his baby son, for Christmas.  
  
After Dumbdork had gotten Monocle to shut up, he began searching the  
skies for Hagrid. At last he saw Hagrid's flying bicycle siloutted  
against the moon. Somewhere, Steven Schmealburg muttered 'E.T. phone  
home'.  
"Who's playing that music?" Monocle demanded.  
When Hagrid landed, he handed Dumbdork a tiny bundle. Hagrid was a  
giant compared to the bundle. He had long, black hair, and an  
extremely long beard. Hagrid was also- how should I say- calorie  
challenged. In other words, he was fat.  
Hagrid was twitching uncontrolably so Dumbdork said, "Yes, Hagrid.  
You can go home and play with your chainsaw. We don't want you here  
anyway."  
"Thanks, Mr. Dadork," said Hagrid. Dumbdork didn't even bother to  
correct him.  
"Let's go," said Monocle. "I'm freezing."  
"Yeah, let's just dump the kid," came the reply.  
The two adults walked off together, talking about the death of Lily  
and James Potter. "I can't believe they're dead," said Monocle.  
"Yes, well I cannot believe the amount of belly button lint I have but  
I make do with it."  
  
Where's my reviews? (sighs) I don't have any reviews!  
I hope I spelled 'dew rag' right. And, just to let you know, I don't  
hate Dumbledore. I came up with the name because my brother was  
Dumbledore for Halloween one year. Now that's a Dumbdork! 


	3. A Visit To The Zoo And Some Vanishing Gl...

Harry Potter and the Curse of the Gangster  
  
Disclaimer: Why would I own Harry Potter?  
  
Sorry that some words in my last chapter did not come out as I intended them to, such as 'fuing' and 'Dadork'. I meant those to be swearwords but did not want to type the full word. I'd put asterisks instead of the rest of the word, but it obviously did not work. Have fun reading and reviewing!  
  
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About ten years after Lily and James Potter died, Harry Potter was asleep in the Dursley's mailbox. He had slept there every night since he had arrived at the Dursley's. He finally got up and stretched. As there was no room to do this in the mailbox, he was outside.  
One of the neighbors saw him and yelled to Aunt Petunia, "Look what you got in the mail!"  
"He's been saying that every day, the fat idiot!" said Harry, who was quite annoyed with the neighbors. "You f&%ing loser! Can't you see I was trying to sleep?!"  
The neighbor grinned devilishly. He uttered a small 'Ha ha' as he left.  
"What are you doing, boy?" Uncle Vernon demanded, who was so large that he could not fit through the doorway to yell at Harry. "Oh my god, I'm stuck!!!!" he yelped.  
"Dear, this is the fourth time this has happened this week," said Aunt Petunia as she helped him out of the doorway. As Aunt Petunia was small compared to Uncle Vernon –most people were dwarfed by Uncle Vernon- she had trouble getting him out.  
"At least we didn't have to call the fire department like last time, right, Dad?" Dudley Dursley was smiling mischievously (If he doesn't watch out he'll be just like his dad, Harry thought).  
"Yes, we wouldn't want the fire department here on Duddy's birthday like last year," said Aunt Petunia. Harry gasped. He'd forgotten -or perhaps he just didn't care- about Dudley's birthday.  
"We're going to the zoo this year. And Duddy, I know you hate him, but Harry must come with us," said Aunt Petunia. Darn, I was looking forward to staying at nasty Mrs. Figg's house, Harry thought.  
  
Later that day, Harry and the Dursleys were in the reptile house. Dudley was examining a snake engulfing his lunch. "I wish I could do that," said Dudley as the snake swallowed its rat.  
Harry was not interested in a snake eating a rat. He went off to find another snake to look at. He quickly found the best snake off all. The snake was big and brown, its jaws wide enough to swallow Harry whole... but the snake did not seem to want to eat. On the contrary, it was asleep, its humongous body stretched out behind it.  
"Hi," said Harry, who wanted someone to talk to other than the horrible Dursleys.  
"Dude, I'm, like, asleep right now, so, like, talk to me later when I'm, like, awake,"said the snake, opening one eye, only to close it again and go back to sleep. Harry sighed. He felt so alone. Hey, wait a second, this is beginning to sound like an anti- depression drug commercial! Harry thought. Harry knew all about those kind of drugs. He'd ordered one on the internet thinking that it was pot.  
Suddenly, the glass that seperated the snake's exhibit from the humans' vanished! Dudley, who'd his hands on the glass, fell into the snake's exhibit. The snake muttered something that sounded like, "I'm not staying in the same exhibit as him!!!!!"  
The snake slithered away, biting innocent bystanders as he left. Dudley, who was still in the snake's exhibit, had just found out that the glass had reappeared. A little girl saw this and said excitedly to her mother, "Can I go see the human in that cage over there?"  
"Wow, that human does look pretty fascinating. I especially like how well- fed he is," the little girl's mother replied as she took her daughter to see Dudley. Harry had never had so much fun in his life.  
  
Sorry if that was not as funny as the other chapters. Now where's my reviews????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	4. Harry's Letter And Other Things

Harry Potter and The Curse of The Gangster  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, you'd know about it.  
  
Harry was punished big time for the snake's little escapade. Aunt Petunia had told him that people might think they're strange now (To which Harry muttered, "You were never normal in the first place.").  
The Dursleys made Harry stay in the mailbox with no food for a week. I don't know how he survived. But somehow he managed, although Aunt Petunia yelled at him every morning for chasing the mailman, which Harry insisted it was a natural instinct. Aunt Petunia had replied with, "It's not natural when a young boy bites the mailman's pants leg and rips it off." The attacks on the mailman continued anyway.  
The mailman was not the thing that was on anyone's mind. It was the letter. The letter had arrived sometime in July. The morning had started out fairly normal, but it was the strangest day of all.  
"Get the mail, Harry," Uncle Vernon had said. He was so extremely large that he could not get out of his chair to do it himself. As soon as Harry picked up the mail, he looked through it. There were two bills, a letter from "Aunt" Marge, and a letter from someone Harry had never heard of before. This letter was addressed to him!  
"Marge is ill, ate 1,000 funny whelks..." Uncle Vernon said, peering at the letter from Marge. "No wonder that woman is so large..."  
"Look who's talking!!!" said Dudley, but Dudley himself was too large for words. After Dudley's comment, Uncle Vernon and Dudley engaged in a friendly Father-Daughter, I mean, Father- Son fight. Or maybe it wasn't friendly, as they were rolling on the floor, punching each other(Aunt Petunia took no notice of this).  
"Harry's got a letter," Dudley gasped in between blows from his father. The Dursleys all stared at him.  
"I don't have a letter," said Harry, furious that they had figured him out.  
"Then what is that letter- shaped lump in your pants?" asked Aunt Petunia furiously.  
"It's nice of you to look there," Harry replied. I should have known Aunt Petunia would check my pants, he thought angrily. Harry desperately tried to get to his mailbox, but Uncle Vernon blocked the way, and when Uncle Vernon blocks a door way, there's no going through him.  
  
Sorry that was not very funny. Now where's my reviews? 


	5. More Letters!

Disclaimer: I don't own, for the thousandth time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hiya! Sorry that it's been so long in between chapters. With school I have been so busy! Any whoo...Here's the next chapter!

That night Harry was lying without his letter in the mailbox. He was so alone. _I need some zoloft,_ he thought. _Pot would be nice too. _ Harry knew he could never obtain pot though, for the Dursleys undecidly would not buy him drugs. Harry had begged them for just a litte crack, but the Dursleys refused to give up their secret stash.

Harry wondered what the letter was about. _Perhaps the federation for the mentally and seriously retarded want me to go to their special school again, _he thought. Harry fell asleep knowing he would attack the mailman the next morning.

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That morning, after Harry had viciously sent the mailman to the hospital with huge cut on his back and a broken arm, Aunt Petunia found that 5 more letters had arrived for Harry. "Harry, come and watch me burn your letters!" Uncle Vernon called. He was kneeling by the fire, holding out the letters. Harry sat down and watched the letters disappear one by one.

After Harry had left, Uncle Vernon said to Aunt Petunia, "My plan did not work. I hoped the boy would be as stupid as always and stick his hand in the fire."

"I suppose you can't get everything," said Aunt Petunia, who had been thinking the same thing.

"Could you help me get up?" Uncle Vernon asked. After an hour of struggling to get up, Mr. Dursley finally left the family room.

sorry that was not so funny. I am in a creaters slump.

Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review! Review!


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